I tried to quote the Whitney Houston song…in case you didn’t get the title reference.
This post is more like a state- of- the -union- journal- entry. No need to read further…just needed to get this out. I’ve been emotional lately…for a myriad of reasons and wanted to share a few…
1. Reading (which is what I should be doing but instead have justified this act of procrastination…). I just came across Maimonides’ famous quote on Jewish converts in a reading for my Abrahamic Religions class.
“The root of the matter is that Abraham our father taught the whole people and instructed them and made them acquainted with the religion of truth and the uniqueness of God, and spurned idolatry and destroyed its worship and brought many under the wings of the Divine Presence and ordered his children and his household after them to keep the way of God . . . Therefore, every stranger who joins us to the end of time, and everyone who recognizes the unity of God as taught in Scripture, is a disciple of Abraham our father; and they are all of them members of his household, and he it is who brought them to the right path. And therefore thou art to say, “Our God and the God of our fathers” because Abraham is thy father; . . . there is no difference between us and thee in anything” (Quoted in Roth, 1960, 96).
It is a reminder that no matter how many debates/arguments I get into with other Jews that nitpick the validity of my conversion …that I am Jewish…and extremely proud. I’m still stumbling around and often feel off-track…but no longer an outsider.
2. Hebrew. Usually it just makes me emotional because I have such a difficult time with it…but the other day in class (it was one of the vocabulary words) something else struck me. The ability of a single word to transport one back to a particular time and place. I’m sure I’ve related my ״ לא נחון ״ story…as it’s one of my faves. But this week it was the word “״ גבר which means “man.” It immediately transported me back to living in Israel (this month marks the 2 year anniversary of my adventures there) and how I was learning the word in ulpan and excited to start calling the guy I was seeing ״גבר שלי״ —stupid yes, but it’s taken me down memory lane…and a reminder how long it takes to repair heartbreak…and the rabbit hole of “what if’s?” It’s also a marker of the time that has passed. 2 years ago I was somewhere very different then where I found myself today. It’s true what they say…despite my complaints it only gets better.
3. My birthday. Upside: I’m seeing Sunset Boulevard on Broadway in honor of it. Downside: it’s in 9 days…and I’m having a hard time with it. The upset started when I learned that one of my best friend’s would not be attendance this year in lieu of finding something more “worthy” of her time (YES…it has been a point of contention…I digress). However…that’s just a surface scratch…and she’s the scapegoat. I have a great group of solid friends that will be there and love them for it. It’s not about them rather it is the feeling of disconnect between the age on paper, how I thought it would feel when I was 12 and what it actually feels like today. I give knowing glances to my professors on the idiocy of younger classmates (so many freaking idiots)…and the big dreams of yesterday are still in the works of being achieved. I know, there are so many things I’m proud of …and I am but I’m getting further and further away from childhood and closer to being an “adult”—who has a firm grasp on their goals, doesn’t procrastinate and never runs out of toilet paper.
4. Family. Recently I made a short slideshow for my younger brother’s birthday…in its mission to evoke nostalgia it has haunted my mind with it—a jarring bubble bursting reminder that things have changed dramatically in the past few years. There are fractures that have gone unchecked, relationships that have drifted and the realization that some things I had always hoped would get better…won’t. There’s still a lot of love…but knowing the next time I return home (3000 miles away in northern California)…won’t be the same, for better and for worse is worthy of a good cry.
5. Grad school. The applications have kicked my ass. I just submitted my 2nd one today (still waiting on some issues with the application fee) and now I wait. In a few weeks I find out if I was accepted into another program that would change my life trajectory. No pressure (lol). I’m in waiting purgatory. Both programs would be tremendous opportunities…and I know I should be applying to other “safety” schools…but I’m paralyzed. There is so much I am bursting to explore. I just need the opportunity.
6. Trump. No need to say more. Please refer to my Twitter feed. Upside: I recently joined a liberal Zionist political action group/support group.
For now, I only have one choice. To shake the heaviness off and put my energy into where it needs to be—this moment. I’m still alive, having fun, learning and get up at the crack of dawn to feed the furry kids…it could be a lot worse.
Thanks for reading (if you made it this far). Just had to wallow.